


Hermione is terrifying.

by lytefoot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Dark!Hermione, Death Eater!Draco, F/M, Gen, Humor, Mary Sue!hermione, Maybe - Freeform, Non-Graphic Violence, Parody, Single Point of Departure, Speed Write, at least a bit, but i try, death eater!Hermione, honestly a lot less graphic, i'm not actually particularly funny, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 06:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15479238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lytefoot/pseuds/lytefoot
Summary: Okay, so this is not my usual sort of thing at all.So this conversation happened on Tumblr: https://goo.gl/DBwX7c#hermione granger #another reason not to ship her with draco #only way i can see that ship #is if they team up to murder all the evil people #a concept #girl fixes boy by shocking his conscience #three years later draco turns up on ron and harry’s doorstep #and he’s like #she’s out of control #you’ve gotta help me #okay i was kidding before #but this is actually a pretty cool idea #dark!hermione #i guess that happened #ron weasley #and i guess #draco malfoy in the tag essayAnd then... this fic happened over the course of about 16 hours, which included 8 hours of sleeping.So, this is a speed-write to throw an idea together. Posting it here because it's a lot easier to read and a lot easier to re-find than the form it ended up in on Tumblr.Please be aware: this is 100% unedited stream-of-consciousness. So be aware of what you're getting into.I should mention that Dramione fans will probably not like this fic? I'm more making fun of the ship than actually doing it. Don't read this for the Dramione, is what I'm saying.





	1. Okay, so this is happening.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is happening. Really quickly because I’ve got a meeting in 15 minutes, but it’s something like this. Single point of departure fic, except Hermione is a lot more like movie!Hermione–even more OP than book!Hermione and also way more people skills.
> 
> She’s still black, though. I’m not whitewashing Hermione just because I’m making her evil.
> 
> Anyway.

So end of fifth year, right? Harry actually remembers he’s got that mirror after he has his bad dream, calls up Sirius, finds out he’s totally fine. So they don’t go to the Ministry. That means three things go differently.

  * Sirius lives (yay!)
  * The Malfoys aren’t disgraced
  * _The Ministry isn’t forced to admit Voldy is back._



That means they’ve still got Umbridge in sixth year, and Dumbledore can’t come back.

Instead of Dumbledore kidnaps Harry from the Dursleys and drops him with the Weasleys to go back to school sixth year, Dumbledore just kidnaps Harry from the Dursleys. to go do Horcrux prep. Ron sees Harry not turning up back at school, tries to talk Hermione into ditching the school to go look for Harry, Hermione’s like, “But school!” and Ron’s like, “F*** this, I’m gonna go find Harry” and runs off.

On that front, Ron and Sirius team up together and hunt down Harry and Dumbledore, seriously interfering with Dumby’s  ~~brainwashing~~ lessons, horcrux hunting starts early. Meanwhile.

Hermione’s gonna take matters into her own hands. Clearly, nobody’s gonna just let her study in peace. She goes to Draco and she’s like, “Draco! Obviously Voldy’s gonna win, let me join up.” [So I can betray you.] (Hermione remembers to say the loud part loud and the quiet part quiet.)

And Draco’s like, “That sounds like something you would do! Also you are very pretty! And for purposes of this fic I am hella heterosexual and Pansy has not been an obvious beard all this time! And also because I’m totes into you, I have done a bunch of research and have found a family of Grangers in, like, France or something you can pretend to be related to and not a mudblood at all.”

And Hermione says, “Wow, I knew you were smarter than those other boys,” and Hermione infiltrates the death eaters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Meeting time. To be continued.


	2. First Continuation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting is running late, so continuing for another 20 minutes or so.

On front A, Hermione is infiltrating the death eaters. And Draco’s like, “This is my girlfriend, Hermione. She’s not that mudblood Hermione I’ve been complaining about for the last five years, she’s a different Hermione Granger and her parents are French and not dentists at all.”

And Hermione, who learned a little bit of French from Draco on the way to Malfoy Manor from Hogwarts, is like, “Oui, my parents are French.”

And Bellatrix is like, “Okay, prove it. Torture this dude.” And Hermione’s like, okay, well, gotta prove my loyalty to the death eaters and everything, plus he’s probably a dick, so she tortures the dude.

And Draco is like, “Wow, that’s cold. Kinda hot, too.” And then they kiss or something.

The really cool thing about being a death eater, is that you don’t have to put up with anyone’s s***. Lucius puts in a good word with Umbridge and now Hermione is on the Inquisitorial Squad, accomplishing Goal #1: Get Everyone to Shut Up so I Can Study. Except Umbridge is so rubbish as a teacher. She’s going to have to go.

Meanwhile, on front B, Dumbledore’s dying quite a bit faster from the whole ring thing, and there’s no opportunity to get Slughorn’s proper memory, but he’s giving Harry as much of the Tom Riddle/Horcruxes crash course as he can.

Ron and Sirius track them down. If I were writing this whole thing up, there would need to be at least one chapter that was just Ron and Sirius’s Tracking Adventures, so please imagine them here. But they definitely team up to chew Dumbledore out for just straight-up kidnapping Harry and not telling them.

And Harry’s like, “Where’s Hermione?”

And Ron’s like, “She decided to stay at school. She’s probably okay there, though, we should deal with this first.”

And Dumbledore’s like, “It’s probably best if you don’t tell Ron and Sirius all about the horcrux lessons, Harry.”

And Harry’s like, “Sure thing, Dumbledore!” and as soon as he’s out of earshot he tells Ron and Sirius all about the horcrux lessons because it’s Ron and Sirius and Sirius not dying last year has really put a damper on Dumbledore’s brainwashing activities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meeting’s here! To be continued again.


	3. Major Character Death (but nobody we wanted to keep)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meeting over! Here we go.

Anyway, Hermione sends the Ministry Umbridge’s head in a box. With a note pinned to her forehead that says, “Defense professor post got another one, send us a decent teacher next time, you cowards.” (I like this AU. Sirius is alive and Umbridge is dead.) Yeah, that escalated kinda quickly. Again, this is one of the neat things about being a death eater. You don’t have to come up with complicated plots involving centaurs that nobody wants to consider too carefully.

And Draco is like, “Wow. My girlfriend, ladies and gentlemen.” And Pansy is sad.

Oh, the note isn’t signed, you guys, and Hermione’s a Gryffindor. Obviously one of the Slytherins did it. Crabbe or Goyle takes the fall, like a good little henchman. (Which one? I dunno–can you tell them apart?)

Lucius pulls some strings again with his buddy the Minister, Impiriuses him and has done with it, they pull off the coup at a still-unsuspecting Ministry. Get Snape as headmaster and the Carrows in place a little early. And gets Crabbe or Goyle out of jail and back at school, just a little misunderstanding. 

Meanwhile, Hermione and the Gryffindors. She’s got to play both sides of the war at Hogwarts. “No, you guys, I’m infiltrating.” And she is, too. I mean, did she take advantage of the opportunity to get rid of Umbridge? Yes she did. But this is all part of her plan to get to Voldemort. So she’s giving Dumbledore’s Army as much information as she can… she’s basically playing Snape’s game, where both sides think she’s their spy. Why not? She took all Ron’s lines, why not steal Snape’s shtick, too?

Except her main goal is to keep the fighting down, because that way she can get on with actually studying magic. Still her main goal.

She stops home to obviate her parents (so they won’t come looking for her) and spends the summer after sixth year at the Manor, finding out everything she can about Voldy.

Meanwhile, with the boys, Dumbledore is dying, and he’s passed on as much Horcrux knowledge as he possibly can, though the number is still just an okay guess. Once Dumby realizes he’s not getting rid of Ron or Sirius, they’re holed up at Grimmauld Place, which is super-protected. (The order isn’t meeting there any more for some reason. Maybe because Kreacher is obviously a bigger security hole than they thought. He almost sent Harry on that wild goose chase!) Which means that when they’re making the plan to go and get the locket–no Ron will not be left behind and yes he does need to know where they’re going–Kreacher hears them, and like, spills the beans? Because it’s hella clear they’re talking about destroying that locket Master Regulus wanted destroyed?

Sirius cries. This scene would be written up in more detail if I were writing this whole thing out. Imagine Sirius and Kreacher having a Moment here.

They don’t need to go to the lake and find the fake locket. They’re right on the track of the real locket, and like, Sirius has been in the house for almost the whole time? It didn’t sit deserted for a whole year? So the locket’s literally right there in the house. And instead of going on a stonking great quest for Gryffindor’s sword, they draw straws on who’s going to learn to cast fiendfyre, which is obviously the most efficient way to destroy a horcrux Dumbledore why didn’t you teach that to Harry seriously.

Ron gets the short straw and learns fiendfyre. Dumbledore dies of the hand thing. It’s very sad. He comes up with some clever way to give Harry the wand and leaves him the stone. Three horcruxes and Dumbledore down. Harry has the hallows and has no flipping idea what they are.

Meanwhile. Hermione’s at the manor, hanging with Bellatrix (who, remember, thinks she’s a French pureblood, so is cool with being her buddy). And she’s like, “Hey, wanna see my cool treasure? When the Dark Lord asks me to keep something safe, I don’t screw it up like Lucius did with the diary, right Lucius?”

And Lucius puts up his middle finger at her.

And so Bellatrix shows Hermione the cup, and Hermione files that under what was that diary anyway and spends some time in the Manor’s library with all the really interesting books about the Dark Arts and decides that (1) she wants a library like this and (2) okay so Voldy’s made a bunch of these horcrux thingies, that explains why he didn’t die when he tried to kill Harry. Sure, it took Dumbledore 5-14 years to figure that out, depending on when you think he started looking, but this is Hermione! And she’s in a library!

Oh, and Bellatrix is kinda mean to Draco, who’s honestly kind of a wuss and not that good a death eater. This makes Hermione pretty mad, since she’s quite enjoying the make-out-with-Draco breaks from her research. So when Hermione goes after the cup, she tricks Bellatrix into destroying it (somehow) (probably fiendfyre or something). Which means Bellatrix gets blamed, and Voldy doesn’t know anyone’s systematically hunting horcruxes. He has Hermione kill Bellatrix to prove her loyalty. Hermione’s like, “You shouldn’t have been so mean to my boyfriend.” (Okay. Now I’m kinda feeling this ship. This is how Dramione works, right?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four horcruxes, Umbridge, Dumbledore, and Bellatrix down, Harry has the hallows, and Hermione is Voldemort’s new right-hand woman.
> 
> I kinda need a break.


	4. Now it's 1am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really planning to just go to bed and finish this tomorrow, but now here I am, starting another installment at 1am…
> 
> Okay, where were we. Four horcruxes, Umbridge, Bellatrix, and Dumbledore down. Harry equipped with the hallows. Hermione’s Voldy’s right-hand woman. Draco’s straight in this universe. Right, got it.

While Hermione’s having her eventful summer at the manor, Sirius, Harry, and Ron are on the lam, looking for the remaining horcruxes. If Dumbledore had lived, he might have mentioned that Harry’s going to have to touch home base at some point this summer. As it is? Nope, Harry lives with Sirius now. Oops. Death eaters are hanging around outside Grimmauld Place, they know where Harry is, he’s been doing magic with the Trace on him all year and now they’ve got the Ministry.

I’m pretty sure that in this universe, we’re gonna get to find out what Harry would have done if Voldy took the Dursleys hostage. Not quite yet, though.

Ron hasn’t come home for the summer. Molly is going spare. She hasn’t heard from Harry, she hasn’t heard from Hermione, and now there is no Ron. Why didn’t Ginny tell her that Ron had left Hogwarts? Ginny has been busy with political insurrection. Why didn’t Hogwarts tell her that Ron had left Hogwarts? Hogwarts has likewise been busy with Ginny’s political insurrection. Molly sends Snape a howler. She turns up at Grimmauld Place to ask Sirius if he’s heard from Harry or Ron. She spots the watcher, turns around and walks away, disillusions herself and apparates on the doorstep like a boss. (Remember, everyone who’d been admitted to the house became a Secret-Keeper for Grimmauld Place on Dumbledore’s death.)

Harry and Ron do not receive Howlers, they get the full treatment in person. There’s plenty left over for Sirius to get a helping, too. And where is Hermione? Hermione stayed at Hogwarts. But she isn’t answering owls. Harry and Ron are now also worried about Hermione. Maybe Ginny knows what’s up with her? Molly is not an owl. The party adjourns to the Burrow. Harry leaves his own wand, which has the Trace on it, and takes Dumbledore’s bad-a** wand with him instead. Countdown to death eaters finding them at the Burrow. Probably because Harry blows the taboo.

Meanwhile, Ginny tells them about Hermione infiltrating the junior death eaters and making out with Draco. “But not really making out with Draco, right? She’s just faking it? For the infiltrating?”

“Sorry, Ron, I’m kinda an expert on make-outs, those are some pretty real make-outs.”

So Ron is sad, and Harry hugs him. Eventually he’s feeling enough better to say, “What do you mean, you’re kinda an expert on make-outs?” and then he has a row with Ginny. But he’s still sad about the making out with Draco, and super worried that Hermione’s doing something super dangerous. They need to talk to her. But she’s, like, infiltrating, they can’t just send her an owl, it might get her in trouble. (Ginny figures that one out. She’s been insurrection-ing since Christmas time.)

“It might get her into trouble with Voldemort.” Harry blows the taboo. Death eaters turn up. They fight. Harry disarms someone with the Elder Wand. He does not care for that at all, it feels weird. Everyone flees in various directions. The Weasleys go into hiding.

Harry turns 17 and can go back to his own wand. They try to figure out horcruxes and wait. The cup, and something that belonged to Ravenclaw, and then they can go looking for Voldy and the snake. Harry isn’t getting as many flashes through Voldy’s eyes, because we didn’t get the possession at the Ministry that blew the connection wide open. He’s just got the kind of prophetic dreams he had in OotP. Too bad, or he’d have a much better idea of how Hermione’s spending her summer.

They pass the time at Grimmauld Place by brewing some polyjuice potion. You can never have too much polyjuice potion. They take turns sneaking out under the cloak and collecting muggle hairs to use if they need to be in disguise. They sneak into Diagon Alley in disguise and send a note to Hogwarts with a post office owl. They can’t send Hedwig, she’s too distinctive. (But Hedwig is alive in this setting! I mean, saving Sirius is neat and all, but we saved Hedwig!) So once school starts up, they send Hermione an anonymous note at Hogwarts. “You okay? Snuffles wants to meet you in the usual place.” Hoping that’s appropriately cryptic.

Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, with Ginny already in hiding the political insurrection is a lot less distracting. Draco and Hermione are Head Boy and Head Girl under the new regime. Hermione’s on track to ace her NEWTs. Oh, and the Carrows are torturing people, and that’s bad and all, But Hermione has NEWTs to ace and magic to master and horcruxes to research, so she delegates most of her spying duties to Draco.

“Wait,” says Draco, "Why are we slipping information to the DA?”

“Oh, because they think we’re spying for them, and that lets us keep spying on them.”

“Wait,” says Neville, “Why is Draco slipping information to us now?”

“Oh, because he thinks I’m just making you think I’m spying on them. But don’t worry, his information’s good.”

And they get on with the spying for her and she’s free to study. By the first Hogsmeade weekend, Draco is no longer sure who he’s spying on and who he’s spying for. She brings Draco with her to the meeting with Harry, Ron, and Sirius.

“Wait, what’s he doing here?” Ron asks.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Draco asks.

“Oh, well, he’s my boyfriend now,” Hermione says, “and Draco, we’re plotting to kill Voldemort. Did I forget to tell you that part?”

“Oh! Is that what this is about?” The last year and change now makes significantly more sense to Draco. “Okay, he’s kind of a jerk, and this war is significantly curtailing my hair care routine. I’m in. Go ahead.”

This is the general gist of the conversation, anyway. Draco would take some minimal amount of persuading if I were writing this whole thing out. But even without your family’s reputation in the toilet, having all the Death Eaters plus Fenrir Greyback’s pack squatting in your house is no fun.

Anyway, Hermione spends the next 45 minutes explaining about horcruxes. Harry, Ron, and Sirius are unable to get a word in edgewise in order to explain that yes, they know. Hermione has done her research in the library at Malfoy manor and knows the exact process of creating a horcrux, which she explains. Ron throws up. Harry hugs him.

When Hermione has finished her detailed explanation, Harry says that yes, he knew most of that, except the gross part she didn’t really need to say, and they think there are six of them, seven bits total, ‘cause seven is all mystic and stuff and Voldy’s that way, and Hermione agrees that yes, Voldy is that way, and by the way, does he know he’s just blown the taboo, but it’s okay, as there’s already death eaters here so everyone’ll assume it’s taken care of, but Harry should really be more careful. And Harry and Ron freak out a little bit, but Sirius calms them down, we do what we’ve gotta do, look at Regulus, who Sirius is now super proud of. It just makes taking Voldy down that much more important, but seriously Hermione, you shouldn’t ought to have done that.

So once everyone’s calmed down a little, Hermione explains she already got one, some gold cup, and Harry gets super psyched. He got the diary, and Dumbles got the ring, and Ron got the locket, so that just leaves something of Ravenclaw’s and the snake, and Harry things the “something of Ravenclaw’s” is at Hogwarts. Maybe Hermione is in a better position to look there, and Harry and Ron and Sirius will hunt around the rest of the country side and maybe Albania or something. They’ll use the DA coins if one of them find it, and then Harry can go for the snake and Voldy, because he has to be the one to take out Voldy. (Dumbledore told Harry all about the prophecy at some stage, here. Meanwhile, Voldy, having taken over the Ministry, just walked in to the hall of prophecies and fetched the thing, so Voldy’s had the prophecy, too.)

Some stuff happens while everyone’s looking for horcruxes. Also I guess Draco and Hermione make out some more. 

Finally, Voldy gets sick of looking for Harry and decides to send out for him. Harry wakes up with a vision of, like, Uncle Vernon getting tortured by death eaters, and Harry’s like, “Oh, snap. I guess I would literally risk my life to save the Dursleys from Voldemort.”

Ron hugs him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I'll fill in the horcrux hunting gap a bit in the next chapter.


	5. The rough sketch of a climactic battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right! Good morning, everyone! Time to finish this thing. Oh, and I figured out what the stuff was that should have been happening while horcrux hunting.

‘Cause see, Hermione and Draco have a new extracurricular, what with Hermione replacing Bellatrix as Voldy’s right-hand woman. So they’re sneaking out variously to go run death eater errands, and doing nasty things at Voldy’s behest.

Mostly they manage to have people just barely escape. “No, sorry, Dark Lord, I don’t know, there must be a mole who tipped them off. We blew up their house like you said, but apparently they were already in hiding.”

Apparently Hermione learned Occlumency at some stage here. Probably from Draco around the same time she learned French.

And then it’s happened once too often, and someone, probably Lucius, who’s figured out the French thing was probably a lie and would like her to stop making out with his son, is like, “Look, Hermione is obviously the one tipping people off somehow.”

And Hermione’s like, “Uh-uh. I bet Snape’s the mole.”

And Snape’s like, “Sorry, what? I am totally the most loyal death eater.”

And they spend a while with Hermione throwing Snape repeatedly under the bus and Snape freaking out and not throwing Hermione under the bus in return because she’s a teenager and he’s the bravest man Harry ever knew or whatever. And also because she’s awfully convincing at being evil. Anyway, eventually Voldy believes her and that’s Snape down.

Hermione looks down at Snape’s dead a** and she’s like, “Yeah, now who’s a know-it-all.”

(If I was going to write out the details of Hermione and Draco’s death eater adventures, I’d go re-read The Valley of Fear and steal ideas draw inspiration from that. It’s techniques like this that allow me to never finish anything.)

They do get sent to fetch the Dursleys, though. Hermione’s pretty cool with hanging out behind a death eater mask in Voldy’s set-piece and crucio-ing Uncle Vernon. I mean, she has met Harry, it makes the cruciatus a heck of a lot easier.

I guess with Snape dead, Hogwarts needs a new headmaster, but I’m not actually going to do anything with him, so his name is Filler John Frenchwordthatmeansfiller or something.

Knowing Harry is doubtless on his way to the manor because he has a saving-people thing, Hermione and Draco take themselves back up to the school to hunt for the final horcrux. I just realized in this timeline Draco never learned all about the place where things are hidden in the Room of Requirement, so that information’s going to have to come from Neville or Luna. We’ll go with Neville–Hermione never liked Luna much and probably wouldn’t listen to her.

Hermione’s like, “Okay, listen up, Gryffindors!” (Draco’s in the Slytherin common room doing the same thing.) “If you were gonna hide something at Hogwarts, where would you hide it?”

And like half the DA look at each other, and Neville’s like, “The Room of Requirement has a room of hidden things, probably there. How did you not know that?”

And Hermione lies, “I totally did know that, I just wanted to let someone else be useful for once. Okay, take me there.” And they go to the room of hidden things, and rather than hunt around and try to figure out which thing is the horcrux Hermione just fiendfyres the whole thing and figures that must have worked because her plans are always perfect. As usual, the narrative provides and Hermione’s plan is perfect.

So that’s five horcruxes, Dumbledore, Snape, Bellatrix, and Umbridge down, Harry equipped with the hallows, Hermione is alpha death eater, and we’re ready to kill the snake and then Voldy.

Hermione signals Harry that her horcrux is down as they’re trying to figure out how to get into the manor. Harry’s like, “Okay, Sirius, go get the rest of the order, we’re gonna need backup, Ron and I will totally wait for you here.” So Sirius goes to fetch the order. And then Harry’s like, “Okay, Ron, go and–” and Ron’s like, “Harry, you are so full of it, you’re not getting rid of me that easily so you can sneak in alone, there’s room under the invisibility cloak for both of us.” So Harry and Ron sneak into the manor under the cloak.

There are a lot of moving parts in this battle. Hermione and Draco show up, too. So Harry and Ron are trying to sneak around and get the snake and rescue the Dursleys, but honestly the Dursleys are safe in the dungeon for the moment so getting the snake and killing Voldemort are more important.

But then the cloak gets pulled off–like Harry trips on it–and Voldemort and the snake both look toward them, and Ron fiendfyres the snake, and Voldemort’s like, “Oh no you didn’t! Avada Kedavra!” and Harry’s like, “Not my Wheezey!” and jumps in front of Ron and then he’s at King’s Cross.

Dumbledore turns up, and he’s about to only kinda and only maybe honestly explain some stuff, but then he’s like, “Never mind, Harry, you’d better get back right now.”

Harry wakes up just as Hermione says “Avada Kedavra!” and Voldemort’s like, “Oh, snap,” and dies. Because Hermione’s a bit of a kill-steal like that.

And then Hermione looks around like, “Oh, Harry. You’re alive after all. Looks like you’re just immune to the killing curse then.”

And Harry’s like, “Yeah, seems that way,” because he’s had zero things explained to him.

Meanwhile all the assembled death eaters are looking around, like, “What just happened?”

Hermione waves her wand at them like, “Yeah, who else wants some, then?” just as the Order shows up, and the death eaters look at Hermione and look at the Order and surrender.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: the epilogue.


	6. Epilogue: The Next Three Years

After all the death eaters surrender, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco meet up in the library to compare notes. Everyone agreed that everyone else had been pretty bad-a**, except Draco who had been more of a fashion accessory to Hermione through the whole thing, in retrospect. Oh well. And Harry’s like, “Here Hermione, have the Elder Wand, I do not like it very much,” because it really seems like more her thing. And Draco, who’s actually been hanging out with Hermione this whole time, gives him this are you sure? look, but nobody’s actually paying attention to him.

Draco and Hermione go back to school and finish up their NEWTs. There is finally peace and quiet so Hermione can study, and she gets 7 Outstanding NEWTs. With a notation on her DADA written paper that says something like, “Actually, this is pretty freaky. It’s too bad wizards don’t know anything about psychology, or we might have someone have a little talk with this girl.”

Both of them get full pardons for any death-eater related activities, since they were obviously good guys all along. Lucius goes to Azkaban forever, because seriously, f*** Lucius. Narcissa moves to France to get away from everything.

Harry and Ron join up with the Aurors to help clean up the Ministry and dig out the surviving death eaters. They get a flat together in a quiet part of London. Sirius moves out of Grimmauld Place and sets it on fire. Draco and Hermione settle in to the manor. Hermione joins the Royal Society and takes up magical research, Draco settles down to the business of inheriting the giant pile of Malfoy money.

All was well.

Until the bodies started showing up.

At first, it was the former death eaters they hadn’t been able to catch, or suspected death eaters they hadn’t been able to pin anything on. Then it was some of the collaborators within the Ministry who’d gotten off on the basis of a claim to be under Imperius.

The bodies were in increasingly poor condition.

During the second year, they found Rita Skeeter’s body. Well, bits of it. All over London. Over the course of several days.

During the third year, they found the head of a young muggle woman with her bottom teeth growing up through her soft palette and into her brain. They never found the rest of her. (She had spent seven years of primary school making fun of Hermione’s teeth.)

At two in the morning, one day three and a half years or so after Voldemort’s defeat, Harry and Ron woke up to a frantic knocking on the door of their flat. It was Draco, looking frantic, and like he hadn’t slept or washed for days.

“You’ve got to help me,” he said. “It was fun at first, but now she’s totally out of control.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. Well. That was a thing that happened.
> 
> Fifteen bonus geek points to anyone who recognizes the reference on "Have the Elder Wand, I do not like it very much."
> 
> Anybody who wants to actually write this story, or run with the epilogue, is 100% welcome to it. That was pretty fun, though.


End file.
